I have asked myself many times,” how come when you are closer to finding it, it looks like you are losing everything instead?” This applies to most struggles in life. Observe here that I am using the word struggle and not suffering. When you are at the juncture of finding yourself, your old self is shattered to pieces and your heart rate shoots like you just ran a marathon, and only stopped to catch your breath. All physical signs show that you are losing it, in fact, there is nothing else to fall back to.
Imagine if you were in a house in the dead of night, in the middle of an isolated place. Suddenly the house begins to fall apart. Starting from the roof then the walls. In a flash, you are exposed to the thick darkness. You feel terrified because you have never been exposed to this thick darkness before. You have always felt safe and protected within the walls of the house. This is when you face your fear of the unknown. You have no idea of how long this situation would last. You cannot walk away from this point since it is dark, and you have no source of light.
You cannot scream, as you are afraid of attracting other creatures that could be lurking out in the dark. There is no clear plan on what you could do next, but you know you must do something. The question is, what is the next action that you will take to save yourself from this predicament. This is the ultimate uncertainty. You want to run, but you do not know where to. You want to hide, but there is nowhere to hide. Will you wait till the morning light?
There is no more safety or comfort zone for the old self anymore. Remember, this is what you gave up at the beginning of the journey. So, now it will kick and scream, and wish the old patterns would come close, so that you regain your assumed sanity. But if you paused and watched all this drama, you would know that it is your insanity driving out of the road.
Sanity is quiet and waiting for the storm to quell. So, in a sense, your sanity is always in control, but behind the scenes, until you let go of the insanity which is fear. The only challenge is, your ears are fixed on the sound of your heartbeat instead of your sanity. You still want to be in control, and you think that the only way is to act physically. You were trained that you are strong. You were prepared for the worst. Of what use was the training given by society, if you cannot apply it successfully now? Perhaps the training was not for this type of battles, such are not preconceived, therefore, no tactics exist to combat it.
Has anybody been at this point? I only describe it the best way as I experienced it. When your old self gets a whiff of the new self-which is highly uncertain, it becomes uncomfortable, and so with all the associations of the new self. Why do we call other people madmen, and yet it is us who are driven by insanity? Insanity defends itself from all accusations and speculations. Insanity protects itself from all new unknown experiences. Your old self, which is the current version that we are running on, for most of us, beautiful as it may seem, is an iron fist in a velvet glove. Insanity has its traditions and as with tradition, it is believed just because it has been around for a long time.
Dear reader, your old self likes associating with tradition. It feels safe in this known terrain, and it will drive you to cling to things and people. Maybe not many of us have become aware of their true self. While we may face different circumstances to drive us to the realization of the true self, those who have come to this realization agree that they have been set free, or they have set themselves free from bondage. The old self is a prison that we, unfortunately, feel safe in. The reason? It is the only thing that we know to be close to freedom. When you let your sanity reign, you realize that you were in so much suffering that you would not want to experience it again.
Oh, this sanity! Why did I lose everything for this? Why did I risk it all for this intangible commodity? We cannot put a value on it. It is not even desired in the face of the majority. It is the hardest market product to pitch to the potential customer. If you were a vendor in the street trying to promote this product, I am sure many would pass you wondering why you are wasting your time promoting such a product. How can I talk about freedom of choice to those who know nothing about choice? How can I talk about salvation to those who are happy in their current lack of awareness? How do I sell products that do not contain sugar, to the majority that have been programmed to think that sugar is essential?
In the ensuing combat between my sanity and insanity, sanity emerged the victor. But I was confused even more. Not knowing the feeling of being sane, I thought that I was in fact on the highest level of insanity. I thought that I had now crossed the safety mark, and that I was heading for destruction. With time though, I learned the art of patience and relaxation, and it is then that I was able to differentiate between the old self and the new self. I thought I lost a lot, but it was worth it.
I lost relationships, and I knew that nothing would ever be as it was with the insanity. Even though they say that sane men cannot communicate with insane men, I got the gift of understanding. And no, it is not the gift of judgement. I learned to let go and detach. Dear reader, if you ever come on this path, hold on to nothing. Not even your breath. Because even after breathing in, you can only hold your breath long enough. Do not hold on to the old beliefs. Do not hold on to yourself. In the end, you will wail and throw your hands about in celebration. Your mouth will be filled with praise for the dawn of the new beginning. Let us share a prayer.
“Dear Spirit, give me the strength to face my fears, and serve you without shame, without doubt, and without limit.
Teach me to love myself even more, and appreciate the lessons that have saved me from the grasp of the past.
Dear spirit, show the lessons that you have prepared for me. I surrender to your love. I surrender to your grace. I surrender to your power. And so it is”