The Perceived Loss Through Death.

crucifixion of Jesus
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We like attachments to the things and people that we love and so we feel a sense of loss whenever we are separated from them. I have been thinking about how most of us process this feeling that is called loss or as I like to call it, the imagination or illusion of loss. When experiencing this feeling, most people are in a sad mood and they like to give themselves some time to process, the loss, or mourn if it involves separation from people that they love.

So, let us talk about the loss of loved ones then. We sometimes like to say that those who love us are the ones that complete us. In a sense, we insinuate that we cannot do without them. We have often heard some people say to others that they do not know what they would do without the other partner. Most people associate loss with so much pain. People are devastated whenever this form of perceived separation appears in their lives. But they never see this as a lesson though.

This perception of loss that we call death is the one that is feared the most. People are so afraid to die or ‘lose’ a dear one to death. For me death is part of life, just as birth. I have oftentimes wondered how people celebrate birth but frown upon death so much. Yet both mark a change from one stage of life to the next. This is of course for the victim. We are attached to the physicality of death so that we fear that we will cease to exist. Death is just a phase. But how hard is it to convince those who are ‘left’ alive by those who depart, that they are not really separated?

For most people who are afraid of death, they most certainly have not experienced it in a nonphysical form. This means they have not faced situations that have led them to abandon some part of them. This in other words is just, change. Change makes us leave those parts of us that would not serve the new self. So, we let them die with the old self. Is there a difference between nonphysical and illusive physical death? What death has taught me most is, nonattachment to things and people.

I have gone through a transformation that required me to leave most things that I held dear. I had to die and not only once but several times. I had to go through change and pick new things that would help me cope with the new circumstances. Before this nonphysical death, I was always so afraid of the thought, imagination, and talk of death in general. I had asked myself several times what people would say when or if I died. I felt that I had not achieved much, like I needed more time. There was so much fear in form of worry. This is the same fear that is driving most of us to the point that we perceive death as a negative occurrence that has no potential of teaching us anything, and for that, they say that death is cruel and bad.

When change came knocking and required me to drop those things that I held dear, I yielded, and things were never the same. It was not easy to let go of the past. There was some form of resistance from within. I was feeling like I did not know how I would define or describe myself anymore. I was in a realm where I did not know most things and there was a lot of uncertainty. It took a long time to adapt to this new territory. When I had finally watched the death of my old self then fear seemed to have receded to the dark corner.

I knew that death was necessary for rebirth to occur. There was no birth without death and vice versa. This was a non-physical death, and it changed my view on the perceived physical death too. From that point on, I have not formed or imagined any worries about my own death. I will think about death in the last moments of that occurrence, but for now, what is more important is to live. What makes people afraid of death are the worries of how tomorrow is going to be. They think that they would not make it without the person or people they are losing. They say that it will never be the same because the one departing has left a hole in their heart, one that can never be filled.

In all the statements above there is an opportunity for lessons. If one were to pay attention to how they were feeling at this time of loss, and the words being used, perhaps acceptance could be the first lesson. How can one be convinced that death is not the end of life, rather it is just an occurrence marking a phase in life? It is just the uncertainty around it that makes us fear it so much. Sometimes I hear people saying loudly that we will all die. It seems like something that gives us comfort, but when death suddenly comes so close to those that you love, you suddenly forget those words. It is often said sometimes that, ‘it is only those who are close to the departed that know the feeling of loss’. This may be true, but it is mostly used regarding the cost of handling the process of burial and not necessarily processing the feeling of loss.

It is often to the ones who were closely related to the departed that the lesson is presented. In the pain there is always a lesson. Do they surrender to the pain? Do they accept? Do they see the lesson? Yet we do not all process ‘loss’ the same. My sister departed this earth plane some time back. I had watched her suffer in illness for some time. She was sure that she was not going to make it. One day when I was massaging her legs, she told me that she could not feel her legs, but I could not just agree with her on that. On the last week, I carried her to the car that took her to hospital. She was too weak to walk or stand by herself.

When she finally departed, I had already accepted that occurrence. This was the first time that I was processing this feeling of loss. I did not think of it so much. On the burial day, most of what I did was observing other people’s reaction. I later thought of my sister’s life. I wondered whether she had learned from what she had gone through. I wondered what our lessons were as a family and also individually, for me. It was only a year later that I was asking myself these questions. This was after the process of going through my own death, non-physical.

I have since accepted that death is just part of life. While we all process this perception of loss differently, I have learned to accept the impermanence of the things of this world. Change is the only constant thing. Even though you could plan, you should not get attached to expectations. The same goes for people. Do not get so attached to them. This is not to say that you do not love them. When you truly love, you are not afraid of anything. Sometimes I have made choices that I knew would lead to destruction of some of the things that I am too comfortable with, and I accept the consequences the same way I would knowingly walk through ‘heaven’. The main lesson is usually acceptance and surrender and not the loss itself. Sometimes the only thing that you can do is accept. Sometimes you may not be required to do anything at all. In the end there is a change in perception of the circumstance that has triggered the change. The difference then will be in how we interpret these circumstances.

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