Observing Ritual, Part 1.

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It is 2017 and I am on campus. I have been out with the boys and had a few drinks. I open the door and slump on the bed. My roommate is fast asleep. Normally by this time, I am in deep sleep, but here I am now. I am lying on the bed facing the upper bunker. I usually pray before I go to sleep, but today I feel guilty. I doubt if the creator will listen to my prayer, now that I am high on booze.

I have been through this doubting phase already. It happens every time I take alcohol. I always feel unworthy of talking to the creator. I have talked to my friend about this, and they could not understand why I felt so lowly of myself. The following day all the doubt would be washed away, and I would resume my daily prayers.

I thought I knew the creator, to the extent that I thought I understand him. I thought I could defend him whenever some of my friends blamed him for their circumstances. I only pulled out of the argument when I felt that it was going to affect my relationship with them, negatively, of course.

Fast forward to the present time. I do not consume alcohol, just before you form any assumptions it has nothing to do with guilt or prayers. This already sounds funny, and I cannot avoid laughing as I write this. All those years ago, I did not imagine that I would ever come to write about this. My tendencies have changed, maybe I do not have the most appropriate word to describe the amount of change that has occurred in my life.

For those who have been close to me for all this time, they have already had trouble understanding my transformation. Prayer to me has taken a different meaning. With prayer, there is thanksgiving and asking. Now, thanksgiving resonates with me and I highly prefer this. I have however taken alcohol less than three times since my campus years, and it has not come between my relationship with the creator.

There is a routine I have every day and it involves meditation, workout, and journaling. Whenever I find myself in a situation where I cannot do either of these things, then I feel disconnected from myself and ultimately from the creator. It is because I identify with those things. They define my relationship with the creator and life at large. So, before I pick up something I usually ask myself whether it is going to disturb my daily routine.

I am not reluctant to change but I take care not to lose those things that I hold dear. I always want to preserve those things that keep me feeling lively and energized. Now, if I take alcohol, it is obviously going to affect many aspects of me. Even though I would still be able to mediate, it would not be so effective as the focus would not be at its peak. Being high on booze is not something that I could do alongside working out or just being creative.

Another thing to consider is the after-effect. What condition will I be in after taking the booze? Blurred vision, slurred speech, and a compromised ability to make decisions? Now, where does that leave me? I fail to see the enjoyment in all these. If anything, I would have lost my power to be aware of what is happening in my surrounding, and this is something that I feel is very important.

I do this for the love that I have for myself and the respect for my body. My body knows what is right for me and I do not feel like alcohol does me any good. With much said, fun, for me has a different meaning altogether.

I obviously attend fewer parties with this mentality. I would not stop anyone from having their kind of fun, but I would not like it either if I found myself being forced to conform to other peoples’ mode of fun. For this reason, I keep away as much as possible so that I do not portray a picture that shouts in the face of others, such as, ‘I do not belong!’ The good part of this story is that I have made friends with like-minded individuals. I should not suffer while trying to impress others. Should I?

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