A Snippet Into My Own Doubts.

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Photo by cottonbro from Pexels

The year is 2019, and I have just completed my campus degree. As much as I am happy, I still must arrange for my post-attachment program. It is only after the attachment, that I would have completed the course officially. While on attachment, I am introduced to a man named Alfredo Bowman, alias Dr. Sebi. According to the article I read, he claims to have cured all diseases using plant medicine alone.

The friend who introduced me to Dr. Sebi, said he also tries as much as possible to follow his (Dr. Sebi) advice on plant foods. Food had always been my interest for so long. Although at this time I was still consuming all sorts of food varieties. I liked to try out vegetables and vegan diets. I kept an open mind about them. I also liked watching people and how they react to the taste of these ‘new’ foods.

The foods being advised by Dr. Sebi were not all available to me at this time, but I began to consume those that were available. I also shared my newly found knowledge with close friends, and family, and I watched how they reacted to the message. Obviously, they disagreed. By November, my attachment program had come to an end, and I was just a month shy of graduating. My research on food did not stop though.

I had decided to give myself a birthday present, which was to fully take up on a vegan diet. On the 11th of November, I gave myself that gift without fail. I was not at home on this day. A few days later I told my family that I had changed my diet for good. This was not because of my mild meat allergy. They in turn argued that my new decision would not last long. ‘We are giving you one week’, they said. Two weeks later, I was dropping most of the processed foods from my diet too, and they were surprised.

In December, I started experimenting with meditation. There was this week where I was left home alone. It was a very confusing time for me.  My mind was filled with worries of what direction my life was going to take, now that I had completed campus. I had the pressure to get a job, or maybe enroll back in school to further my education. At the same time, I started questioning reality. I began to poke holes into my fears, and the more I did it, the more confused I felt.

I was all alone, and I did not have anybody to about these issues with. I questioned everything that was in existence, even the existence of God. But all these ended with me asking God for guidance. Ironical, isn’t it? That I questioned God, and yet I asked him to guide me on what I needed to do? I did not know much, but the questions that I asked opened a new door into my life. I opened myself to new knowledge that I had always fought so hard against. I started having an open mind.

Two years have passed now, and so much has changed in my life. It is not just food, but my view on all other aspects of life.  At the beginning of this year, I got a new job, and I was so excited about it. After staying at home for a whole year, this seemed like the much-needed break that I yearned for. I saw it as a big opportunity for growth and change. More so, a change in environment. It was not clear how long the internship was going to last, but I went all in. I was sure it was going to lead somewhere, I just didn’t know where.

I eventually changed my location as I moved to another town. The job was in line with what I had studied, but there were other financial aspects that I was not privy to. So again, it presented an opportunity to learn. With all the excitement I had for this new job, I started feeling that I was not at peace with the routine. I could not keep my routine to meditate. I could not get enough sleep or just rest. I knew that I was not totally enjoying the experience, but there was some doubt in me about leaving the job.

I asked myself whether it was right to leave the job. The job was an opportunity put in my hands at the time of need, and I felt like I should not give all that away. Of course, it would portray me as being ungrateful to those who gave me that opportunity. The more I continued to debate whether I was doing right by them, the more I felt destabilized. The feeling that I was not doing my life purpose weighed on me so much.

When I could not take it anymore, I talked to myself. I told myself to trust that all would be well. I also told myself never to doubt myself. The next day, I went into my boss’s office and began to tell him of my issues. I was nervous and a little shaky, but he seemed to understand me. So, I calmed down. When I closed that door behind me, I felt so happy. I felt like I had let go of a burden. I did not have doubt anymore. I had a sense of clarity.

When my colleagues finally heard of my exit through the boss, they all wanted to know where I was going to. I was surprised at what the culture was for those who left one job just to go to another. Before this, I had shared with a friend that I was going to quit, and they asked me to look for another job first before leaving the current one. They said that times were bad economically, and that people were suffering. Basically what they meant was that, it was not the right time. But is there ever ‘the right time’ to do anything? So, when I told my friends that I was going to pursue my passion, which is my life purpose, they were surprised.

As I write this, I am sure that I am following my life purpose. Of course, everybody is asking about where I am going to get the money to sustain myself. Where I am going to get the money for rent. There is so much concern over whether whatever I am investing in is going to pay back. All these are worries from my friends, not me.

Why am I sharing these stories? The common thing in these stories is, the doubt that I experienced, whenever an opportunity for change presented itself. After getting over this doubt then it is always transferred to those who are close to me. It is them that need a lot of convincing. The more time you spend convincing them, the more the fear that you came over tries to creep back in.

This may help someone here. Doubt can be a set back whenever you are taking up something that is new but feels right for you. When I left my job, I decided that I would do it then share the news later to my friends and family. I knew that I would give myself so much worry trying to convince them. Everybody has their opinion on your life, on what is right for you. But you must put your peace of mind as the priority. It would not help you trying to make other people happy when you put yourself last.

You will always know when your soul purpose calls. As opposed to a job that assures you of a monthly salary, you may go in without so much knowledge of the returns. But hey, it is your path! It will always work out for you. The most challenging step is leaving what you assumingly think is safe, tried and tested and going into the path that is quite unknown. That first step you take might just be the only thing you need to do for things to start becoming clear. I mean, if you do not take the firsts step how would you know what it feels like and looks like to be on your soul path? Nothing is ever written on stone. Things are subject to change, and so are you! Namaste.

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