If a stranger were to walk on the streets dishing out money, I am sure that some people will give it back saying, ‘I do not need your money’, or, ‘I do not deserve this’. None of these people are wrong in their response. It is just the values they have. Or is it virtues that they were taught to uphold? Most of us are taught that we should not eat, or get paid without work. So, a random gift from someone will be easily taken back.
My idea for the origin of the term, ‘I am not deserving ‘, is religion. Specifically, our relationship with the Creator. So, we are taught to believe that the creator is a mighty, no-nonsense supernatural being, who is very critical of our profile. We are also told that when praying to Him for anything, he checks our profile in regard to the deeds we have done. If He then decides that you are worthy of what you are asking for, He grants it. So, a prayer for something one yearns for would sound like, ‘I am not deserving, but please grant me this…’ Or ‘I am not worthy to receive but please…’
When praying, I see people who normally think so highly of themselves, humble themselves like kids asking for sweets from their parents. The parents have been vested the authority to give it to them, or not. Such strict measures they are! Two things emerge here; one is the humanizing of the creator. Growing up, we are taught that we are created in the image of the creator. So, we end up taking that to mean the physical image, because we do not perceive beyond this realm of physicality.
Our parents naturally have the authority to give, or not, whatever you ask from them. If you ask for something, and in the process of waiting you make various mistakes, then you will hear them say, “we are not getting this because you did that”. Or, ‘until you become a good child…’. To the child, this is such a big deal, because they look unto their parents more than anybody. Here comes the statement, “the creator does not like children who do this, or that”. Also, there is this famous statement, “if you disobey your parents, the creator will punish you”.
The image then formed of the creator, is a strict authority who is always keeping records of our actions- (how about inaction though?), and will judge us by them. This belief formed here, is inaccurate, and a formation of, and for mankind. It is therefore what keeps us from having an ‘open’ relationship with the creator. Judgement, is all a construct of man, and it is all based on fear, which is a weapon of darkness.
If indeed you are an image of the creator, do you think the creator would judge himself for his actions? -(Notice, I keep referring to It as Him. This is just for the purpose of familiarity, for you). Why do we associate the creator with so much fear? He is pure love; it is all there is really. Clearly, this is a whole new understanding, that requires one to unlearn what they were previously taught, and relearn new knowledge.
The seemingly taught attributes of the creator, are somehow misleading us in our quest to communicate with him. One must do inner work of forgiving themselves, and not wait for an external entity to come, and do it for them. We need to come to the realization that the creator is far from what we were taught, and therefore, let go of all the physical images we have formed of him. The more we understand him, the better the relationship, and communication will become.
What the statement, “I am not deserving”, really conveys, is that you do not really need what it is that you are asking for. How does one expect to get,-(not to be given)- what they do not need? Is this not like going into a competition, already believing that you are going to lose? There is a higher chance here that you will lose. One must first believe that they are deserving of what they are asking for, and again this will be brought by a complete mind shift.
At this juncture, I am reminded of the law of attraction. It states that, “that which happens to you, is brought to you, by you”. What this statement really means is, we are the ones in the driver’s seat, but first you must know where the seat is. Otherwise, we will always think that we are just passengers, and there is a driver taking us somewhere that we are not aware of.
Know deep into your bones that you are deserving, and you will notice the changes that will begin to occur. Just a re-evaluation of your beliefs is needed. Move away from the concepts that give the creator human characters, to avoid the suffering that comes with it. Namaste.